The Austere Academy In the Mindset of Arty Fowl
by Merodii-chan
Summary: What happens when the world's smartest vampire-child is trapped at the world's suckiest school? With the world's most unfortunate people? Bad things. Very. PG-13 for Carmelita, snogging, and lacking of humour pervy jokes. Chapter 3 up, finally!
1. Artemis's Foul Predicament

Artemis Fowl/ASOUE Crossover Chapter One: Artemis's Predicament  
  
Mero: This fic really stinks! Well, the part I wrote does, anyways. My friend Bailey started working on the fic with me after I wrote chapter two! So, I thanketh her much. And, I don't follow either of the books EXACTLY, but I think I got pretty close. BUT PLEASE don't flame me about some little detail about the book I got wrong (Such as, the one bed that is in Arty's room) BECAUSE THAT WAS FOR A REASON! Thank you, and enjoy!   
  
Muse #863672-03 (AKA Professorhead): Merodii-chan doesn't own Artemis Fowl OR A Series of Unfortunate Events, because she is a no-talent nobody who can't write worth poopy.

Artemis Fowl the Second looked glumly at his new "home". It wasn't very comfy. There was an archway bearing the dull letters "Memento Mori". Latin, of course. Do I even have to tell you what it means?  
  
He walked into what he guessed was the administrative building, which he didn't know took away his silverware privileges for the day. Quite horrid violin playing could be heard behind the door marked "Vice Principal". Artemis knocked. The man on the other side of the door knocked back. "What a buffoon," Artemis muttered under his breath. "What a buffoon," the man mocked, slinging the door open.  
  
Artemis stepped into the office. "Good morning, Mr...," he glanced at the nameplate on the horrid violinist's desk, "Nero."  
  
"Good morning, Mr. Nero," the man mimicked Arty yet again, "It's Vice Principal Nero to you!" His voice had changed from a mimic to a bark, and the bark sounded as though it were coming from a flea-infested, malnourished, thirsty dog, "And I'm the greatest violinist EVER!" Artemis snickered, not only at the man's overall stupidity, but also at his looks. He was tall and fat, bald, except for hair kept in pigtails above his ears.  
  
"What's your name, boy?" (Ha.. That redneck.)  
  
"Artemis Fowl the Second."  
  
"Well, Artemis Fowl THE SECOND, where are your papers with a PARENT SIGNATURE?" Nero put quite the emphasis on "parent signature", because quite alot of orphans had been coming in lately. (Well, only three, but... This is Nero we're talking about here.)  
  
Artemis smiled, pulling a handful of papers from his black leather portfolio. (GASP! That poor cow!) And shoved them into Nero's grubby hands. Nero scanned over the papers quickly, proceeding to explain the rules of the school. (If you'd even consider it a school.)  
  
"And, since you came into the administrative building, no silverware!" Nero smiled, still clutching his violin (Artemis would bet money that Nero had romantic feelings for his violin, which is very... Different.), "And don't be late for my concert!"  
  
Artemis bowed again as he left the room (Wait... He bowed a first time?), ideas for revenge racing through his extremely intellegent mind.  
  
His room was... Quite boring, actually. A bowl of fruit was resting on a sloppily made bed. There was a small electrical outlet and a wooden desk. Oooooh... Exciting. All of a sudden, a rather pug-looking girl with dark curls rudely trampled into the room, "I'm Carmelita Spats," she said, flipping her unruly curls, "And you're my roommate." She raised her index finger to the sloppily made bed, "And that's my bed, so you'll be sleeping on the floor, cakesniffer!" She chortled and skipped away into the hall.  
  
"Oh, and cakesniffer!" she yelled from the hall, "Lunch is starting!" What a foul, disgusting girl.  
  
Artemis decided to go to lunch, though he'd be quite silverware-less.  
  
The cafeteria was a medley of strange smells, strange decorations, and even stranger people. Artemis saw that the cafeteria mass-produced jiggly pudding and a strange substance they tried to pass off as lasagna. Artemis could also automatically identify the snob table, because Carmelita was sitting there. Oooooh.. How Artemis wished he could see her curls ripped violently out of her scalp. (Just wait until chapter six, Artemis...)  
  
Our hero picked up a tray of jiggly pudding and lasagna-ey substance. He reached for a fork, but a cafeteria worker lashed his pale hand with a greasy spatula, "No silverware for the new kid." Artemis shot the large woman one of his I-am-the-boss-around-here glares, and the woman whimpered and scurried off. And, just to be a total pain in the neck, Artemis took two forks and went to the only open seat he saw.  
  
At his table, Artemis had one fork in each hand, both aimed at Public Enemies No. 1 & 2: Carmelita Spats and Nero.  
  
"Already plotting against Carmelita, I see!" the girl sitting next to Artemis said, "You know...," she giggled, "I'm not really suprised..." Artemis just glanced at her, but stayed silent. She didn't want to be ignored (Gah! Annoying!) so, she began to introduce her group of friends to him, "I'm Isadora Quagmire! And this," she pointed to a person sitting next to her, "is my brother Duncan!" Duncan waved at Arty, who blissfully ignored them. "And, these are the Baudelaires! Violet, Sunny, and Klaus!" Isadora pointed to the three people sitting across from them. Klaus smiled and said, "Hi." Violet waved. And Sunny gave a toothy grin. Sunny was still a baby; and Artemis was befuddled at how she could be going to this school. (Artemis? Befuddled? All is wrong with the world!) So, Artemis had a peaceful lunch: Nero, fat lunchlady, and Carmelita Spats-free!  
  
But, of course, there was that six hour concert for Arty to cause problems at...  
  
Artemis sat in the very back, and had brought his laptop computer to the "concert". So, for SIX hours, he had cotton stuffed in his ears and a computer glowing in his face.  
  
This was one twisted-as-hell school. 


	2. Foaly That ecchi!

Arty Fowl/ASOUE Crossover  
  
Chapter Two Foaly... That Ecchi!  
  
Mero: ::grinning evilly:: I'm back with chapter TWO!!! Oh, yeahs... If you don't know what an ecchi is, I'm not going to tell you.. Because if I told you, you'd tell me that I shouldn't have told you.  
  
Professorhead: ::yawn:: Merodii-chan STILL doesn't own Artemis Fowl or ASOUE, because she's just a loser.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Artemis Fowl the Second looked curiously at Foaly, whom he was talking to through that thingie on the computer that you can use to talk to people. (Like a telephone, but you can see them. I don't know what it's called! ;;) He gaped, "What did you say?"  
  
"I SAID," Foaly sighed in frustration at Artemis's listening skills, "Holly loves y--"  
  
At this point, our favorite female LEPrecon officer clamped a furious hand over Foaly's mouth. "Just WHAT do you think you're doing?!" Holly yelled, a mixture of anger and embarrassment, her face as red as a tomato, or... If you like reaaaaaallllly bad puns, red as a holly berry.  
  
Artemis sighed, watching Foaly, Holly, and the narrator have a heated argument about tomatoes. Finally, he diverted attention back to himself, "Now, what I was trying to say, wa--"  
  
Artemis was interrupted by Holly, who shouted extremely loudly, "Who's that half-naked mud girl in the bed behind you?"  
  
Artemis spun around in his chair, "What half-naked mu--" It was Carmelita. Artemis shuddered. "That's Carmelita Spats, my roommate," Artemis said, spitting it out of his mouth with extreme disgust. Holly gasped, "Fowl! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Foaly snickered.  
  
Artemis rolled his eyes, "For being as OLD as you are, you sure are immature, Holly." Foaly looked at Holly, "You know, he's got a point there." Holly slapped Foaly across the face. Artemis began again, "It's not MY fault she sleeps in her underwear. In fact, I was doing a pretty good job ignoring her INCESSANT snoring until you mentioned her." Six hours of sucking up to Nero at his concert must've taken alot out of Carmelita, she was sprawled on the bed, snoring like an elephant. Sickening.  
  
"Sure, Artemis," Foaly winked, "We believe you."  
  
"Pervert," Artemis muttered under his breath before shutting his laptop. He laid his head down on the desk, trying to ignore Carmelita's snorts and snores. But, he had lots of trouble getting to sleep.  
  
Today was Artemis's first day of classes. Goodie. Carmelita ate EVERYTHING that was in the bowl of fruit, even the bugs. So Arty didn't eat breakfast. AND, she forced him to get dressed in the closet, probably so she could go through all of his bags and steal something. He DESPISED that... Thing that is Carmelita. He emerged from the closet wearing his standard Armani suit, because he hadn't recieved the school uniforms yet. (He thanked the Lord for this.)  
  
Artemis looked drearily at his schedule, his first class was gym. He really dreaded this. He wasn't good at sports, and, though he didn't act like it at all, he was quite a klutz. Artemis strolled casually into the gym, though we know he was dreading it. Though, it got a little bit better when he saw how ridiculous the coach looked. Tall and thin, wore a turban, and high-top shoes. This school just got weirder and weirder.  
  
As the coach began to explain something that Artemis really didn't feel like paying attention to, Arty's eyes wandered around the gym. He saw Violet and Duncan, they both smiled and mouthed a "hello", for fear of getting in trouble for talking. Artemis smiled back, kind of.  
  
"Are there any questions?" the coach barked. Artemis's hand raised. "What?" The coach was glaring at Arty like a crazed mad-man.  
  
"Yes," Artemis tried to look as sweet and innocent as possible, which wasn't very, "Why are you wearing a turban?"  
  
Both Violet and the coach looked quite suprised. "I-It's part of my religion," Genghis stammered. Artemis could tell something was up, "What's your religion?" Duncan looked worriedly at Violet, afraid she might be punished for Arty's butting in. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly. Violet gave him a weak smile.  
  
Genghis was glaring at Arty, "I'm...," he stopped and thought, "Shinto!" Just what kind of idiot did this Artemis Fowl take him for? He had the cat in the bag, or so he thought.  
  
Artemis smiled. What kind of idiot did this Coach Genghis take him for? He had the cat in the bag, "Well, Coach Genghis, sir, I'm afraid that Shintoism is a Far Eastern religion. And people in the Far East don't wear turbans, now do they?" Violet giggled and Duncan grinned. 'Twas quite funny to see the pitifully-disguised Count Olaf outsmarted... Again.  
  
The rest of gym class passed quite quickly, Genghis quietly steaming in his office, Arty sitting on a bleacher, shrouded in thought... About a certain someone who's coming to visit him in the next chapter. He was shoved back into reality as his eyes scanned the gym. He saw Violet and Duncan. Violet was leaning on Duncan, Duncan talking to her in a low whisper about something. Occasionally Violet would nod, or say something back to Duncan. Just what was going on around here? The coach was hiding something, and it seemed that so were the Baudelaires and the Quagmires. The bell rang. Students began to pour out of the gym, and to their next classes. A group of girls passed Artemis and giggled.  
  
Arty's next class was with Mr. Remora, so, he strolled there, a flock of girls following him closely.  
  
Mr. Remora was weird, he always had a banana stuffed in his mouth. It was quite disturbing, really.  
  
Artemis seated himself in a desk next to Duncan, hoping to find out something about what's going on. Then, Mr. Remora started spewing out sentences that made NO sense at all, "The rat lied to the cat. The girl climbed a tree. There was a hole here." Artemis stared at Remora strangely. Dencan leaned over the whisper to Artemis, "You need to copy these down. He'll test us on them." All Artemis could manage to say was "Oh" and pull out a notebook and pen. This school put the "mental" in "fundamental". So, the rest of class was spent copying down Remora's foolish stories.  
  
Artemis was bored stiff. How did Remora's students put up with this day after day? He looked up at the clock. Just one more minute until he was dismissed for lunch. It was 11:59. That gave Remora time for one more story. D'Arvit! Artemis's normally ghostly white hand was already a burning red color from writing so much and holding his pen so tightly. But, thankfully, Remora reached for another banana instead of telling another bloody story. The clock turned slowly to 12:00. The bell rang. Artemis sighed, feeling relieved. He closed his notebook and stood. Quite a few girls gazed admiringly at his... Behind. But, thankfully, Artemis was too deep in thought to notice this, because, if he had, he would have been highly more disturbed.  
  
Mero: -.- I know. This one was just as short as the last one. BUT, the next one will be longer!   
  
Professorhead: All flames will be used to burn Count Olaf's eyebrow off.


	3. Lunch with Carmelita

Chapter Three - Lunch with Carmelita 

Mero: Oh, no! I think everyone's given up on this fic because I haven't updated in so long! Gomen nasai! Please forgive me! Our computer got stolen and I couldn't update! But, I've got a new one now, and I'm finally updating! Yay! PS - This story is NOT Artemis/Isadora. They're simply very good friends. Klaus/Izzy all the way!

Lunch was... horrible, demeaning, treacherous, unfortunate, bad, crappy, sucky, nasty, ugly, stupid, mortifying...

In a nutshell, it was Carmelita Spats.

THE Carmelita Spats... You know... the one with the long, brown ringlets that were similar in beauty to a dried cat turd; deep pools of brown, feigning the Prufrock Preparatory School's septic system.

"Artemis," she said in that 'I'm sexy for the queen of sewage' tone, "Why don't you sit with... us?" She gestured to a group of swooning fangirls behind her.

Artemis sighed in frustration, and Isadora, seated between Artemis and Klaus, shot a condescending glare at Carmelita and company. Many of the swooning fangirls turning into gasping fangirls.

"Like, OMG! This is, like, soooo not kewl! That Quagmire ho, like, likes Artemis!" one of them yelled in a repulsiver, bubbly, voice.

Artemis arched a thin eyebrow. He wouldn't let anyone talk about Isadora that way. After all, she HAD been the first person to try to be friends with Artemis when he first arrived, and she treated him as an equal. She didn't fawn or swoon over him, either. She may not be as intellegent as he, but she was pretty smart.

He shot his meanest, most threatening glare in the direction of the group of girls, "Leave."

"But, Artyyyyyyy" Carmelita begged, clamping onto his arm and shooting him with her best puppy pout. Which didn't work.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"FINE!" Carmelita shrieked, releasing Artemis from her stronghold, "You WILL eat lunch with me!"

Artemis rolled his eyes.

Carmelita turned to face her troops, "Okay, girls," she whispered, "Count of three... Grab him and RUN."

"One..."

"Threeeeeee!!!" a random girl yelled excitedly, and all of the girls stampeded Artemis, snatching him from his seat, against his, Isadora's, Klaus's, Sunny's, Violet's, and Duncan's wishes. Isadora and Klaus each grabbed one of Artemis's thin wrists, pulling with all their might. And Sunny gave one unlucky girl a nasty bite on the ankle. Violet and Duncan, the most mature of the group (after Artemis, of course), tried calming the others down as the stampede disappeared... with Artemis.

"No!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "Artemis's been kidnapped and forced to eat with Carmelita!"

Violet and Klaus nodded sullenly, Duncan slammed his fist onto the table in rage, and Isadora thought. And thought and thought and thought.

Meanwhile, at the evil villain's lair (AKA, the snob table), Artemis was beginning to panic... only a little. After Carmelita had shoved herself upon him, begging him for a kiss, his appetite was completely gone, and his breakfast was threatening to come up.

"Oh, Artemis"

"Artemis, marry me!"

"We can run away together, oh, Artemis!"

"Do you want to come to my dorm tonight, Artemis?"

Yeah, here comes his breakfast.

Mero: Sorry! This chappie's short! Please review!!


End file.
